Vipassana - a marathon for the mind

"Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art of Living."

I recently attended a teaching by Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo (a western nun who spent 12 years meditating in a cave) and she talked about how in order to train the mind, we first must tame it. It makes sense, you need to tame a horse before you begin to train, and I figured after 12 years in retreat, this small unassuming lady with bright sparkly blue eyes knew her stuff. Perhaps that was the unconscious motivation for me to embark on vipassana – a 10 day, 10 hour a day meditation retreat – but I can’t claim that it was a conscious motivation, it is more like a test of sorts. A bit like mad people who decide to run a marathon, I was signing up for a marathon with my mind. And it was about day 4 that I had a serious case of the “what the f**k am I doing heres” just like first time marathon runners (or so I am told). The realisation of what you have signed up for, the realisation that you are not even half way, and the realisation that you are not sure you are cut out for this and it is in that moment that you don’t know whether to laugh or cry but have no alternative but to carry on. 

 

It is hard to find the right words to describe the experience – I must admit that it has all begun to blur into a haze of slightly uncomfortable but slightly warm and fuzzy memories. Being alone with your mind for such long periods is an interesting process as I found I would swing from dull and sleep like comas to mind racing moments where I was filled with creativity and inspiration. All well and good, but unfortunately not really the point. The point, is to create focus and attention, and to work on noticing the sensations in the body. And that is it. There is no bells and whistles to this meditation, no focus on your third eye and see the white light type of scenario’s, no feel the arising of energy through the chakra’s and watch as kundalini awakens type of stuff – no, this is the technique taught by the Buddha that has been preserved and passed on predominantly from Burma. The system is taught by S NGoenka, and he is quite specific in his teachings in making them non-denominational and non-sectarian. The days are long and arduous (4am wake up gongs and the last session finishing at 9pm) and with centres all around the world, are aimed at teaching the technique to people of all religions. I was in a centre in Thailand and participated in a course with 70+ people who were predominantly local Thais (Theravada Buddhism is alive and well in Thailand). Dhamma Kancana is part of the global network of centres that are purpose built and rely solely on donations –the course is free for new students (all meals, room etc so a pretty good deal really).

But back to the mediation and my experience – I have been told by people it was the hardest thing they have ever done. I am not sure I can put it in that category, but I am not sure what box it does fit in. Day 1 – 3 were almost the false sense of security as we started by focusing on our breath – sounds easy I guess, but by mid afternoon of day 3, it was excruciating. Try it for a minute, breath, inhale, exhale, and watch – see how long you last before getting distracted? Can you get to a minute? Imagine 600 minutes of that, and that is just one day.  Fighting moment by moment to stay awake, to maintain focus, to not let the mind wander, to not get distracted by the pain forming in my right hip, the sweat dripping down my back (what was I thinking trying to meditate in Thailand and this heat?!) and the front row of students that never seem to move..... 

Day 4- 5 I will call my “WTF” days as each minute seemed like an hour, each second was filled with pain and the realisation that I was not even half way yet. The physical pain set in and as we started our “power hours” as I called them – an hour where we were unable to move position – I really did wonder if the pain shooting through my hips that felt like someone prodding hot knives into my butt was anything remotely like child birth.  The mind is interesting as I tried to tell myself that this was all a pointless activity, I was not gaining anything out of the process and really, it was all very boring. Nice one mind, you will try anything to get out of this, thankfully I am also pretty stubborn and not a quitter, so shut up with your negative thoughts and get on with it. 

Day 6 I finally found some relief, the body was easing into it and I by now had a nest of cushions to support every limb – hell I even had a wrist cushion in an attempt to comfort my arms. Maybe the weather changed or my aversion became less so the heat seemed not as intense, I actually on Day 6 had a fleeting thought of “wow, this is life changing, I have found bliss”. Cue record scratching sound - and by Day 7 I was smacked back into reality as my mind then went from dull and dusty to overdrive creative flow. I was going to become a motivational speaker and had word for word what I would say in my presentations, I was going to upskill the Tibetan community in work place skills and find them all gainful employment, I was going to support my teacher revolutionise the yoga world with his “Bringing Yoga to Life”  - the list went on....and how had those people in the front row still not moved?

So Day 7- 10 I moved into crazy monkey mind mode, the practice then became to not engage, not get caught up, and to not get carried away, all the while we had moved onto the actual vipasana technique of scanning the body for sensations.  Damn hard when you think you are coming up with all of the most amazing life changing and revolutionary business ideas, but also interesting to try and put it all to one side and focus on the task. By now I had two old ladies in my head – one nattering away about what we had to do next week, who did we need to buy presents for – and the other getting quite impatient saying “will you pipe down, can’t you see we are trying to mediate here??!”

It ended on Day 10 with us finally being able to talk (on retreat it is to go within so no communication, talking, reading or writing) – a small group of westerners excitedly began to share our experiences and they were all different. I didn’t have any major “stuff” I felt I had shifted nor did I think I was Jesus (sorry Laura, that is just too funny not to share) but I think somewhere amidst it I had some realisations, I took my practice to a different level, and like any feat that you set out to achieve, the feeling of accomplishment that comes with that. Will I rush back and do another one? Maybe not, but then never say never and crazier things have happened. A friend once asked his meditation teacher “did you have a good meditation” – the response from the teacher was “there is no good meditation, there is no bad meditation, there just is meditation” so based on that, my vipassana was just that, meditation.

Abhaya - Fearlessness

I bought a necklace nearly 2 years ago that has a word written in Sanskrit on it – abhaya – loosely translated as fearlessness. It was for me a reminder of living a life without fear. Something that I needed to be reminded of, daily, hence the necklace that has become a permanent fixture around my neck. I wanted to live a life full of courage and confidence, to be able to say yes instead of no and to be able to take risks. A friend asked me once what it meant, and she looked at me dumbfounded when I told her “What have you got to be afraid of??” We stood there for a few minutes, both of us in awe of each other, she simply not understanding what there could be to be afraid of and me perplexed that someone did not have fears. I replied slowly and carefully, “Where do you want me to begin? I am afraid I will have dreams that I will never achieve, of trying to achieve those dreams and failing, of being alone, of waking up one day and thinking ‘is this it?’ (which about 6 months later I did) – the list is endless....I am filled with fears, aren’t we all?” Clearly she did not share my insights into fear as she raised one eye brow and changed the subject to the weather.

 I thought long and hard about that moment, was I the only one who felt fear in this way? Maybe it was the wording I had chosen, maybe it was more like worry or concern. But still, they were fears. Deep seeded fears entrenched in my being that at times became crippling. What if I die and I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do? That was a fear, it was a worry and it was a concern, call it what you will, but it played on my mind. And perhaps it is partly what prompted the decision to quit my job, sell my stuff and see me set off around the world in what is proving to be a lifestyle as opposed to an extended holiday.  I like everyone else am trapped in the hope fear cycle, hoping that things will be better/different/easier and fearing that they won’t. Stuck between the past and the future and skipping over the most precious moments in time the present. 

 Spending my life the way that I do, you may think I have released these fear and live a carefree life having a wonderful time drinking coffee, attending teachings and courses and reading. For the most part I do, but I am also still caught in the vicious cycle of hope and fear – still caught in the way things “should” be and how I am “supposed” to be living my life. But today as I walked down the streets of crowded Bangkok I had a moment – I realised right here, right now, I am not afraid. I feel hopeful and excited, I feel empowered by the choices I have, I feel blessed and lucky to be born and raised in a country where I can earn enough to actually save money. I have no idea what my future holds, I have no house, no car, no things, I have no job and am slowly working on my own business that at times scares the living shit out of me (what if it fails/no one is interested/I lose money blah blah blah) but today, that is not there. Instead I feel grateful and excited like a child at Christmas, I feel more uncertain of what lies ahead than I ever have before but for once, in this tiniest of moments, it is with abhaya – fearlessness.

Two Hearts

The words form in my throat but they stick. Unsure of the sound or the shape they need to take, or how they need to be expressed. I feel like I am being pushed, pulled, twisted and turned in every direction.  Maybe it is the full moon, maybe the changeable weather, or maybe, just maybe I am in transition – yet again. This is different this time, this time the pack is being packed with a set of new feelings and emotions. Ones that are ill fitting, that are foreign, that have not really surfaced in the last 18 months. They have been bubbling away under the surface and out of confusion or fear or inability to simply deal with them, I ignore them, I stuff them back down, I suppress them. What else is there to do? Dealing with them is complicated and hard and oh so not fun. So lets stick with suppression or denial for now, much easier, much safer and much nicer all round. Or maybe not. And so I write, as maybe I can find that the words on the page will some how bring light to unfamiliar terrain I am now on, the uncertainty of the future, the feeling of heaviness I feel in my chest.  

Rationally I know this part of my trip would come to an end, that I would have to say good bye – again – to people so incredibly special to me, but yet, like life and death and everything that is so blatantly obvious in this world, I have chosen not to acknowledge that I am leaving. Everything is changing, all of the time, so why is it such a suprise when it does? Even with the knowing that I will be back, and soon, it still does not change the feeling of weirdness (I can’t find a better word, sorry) that I have this week.

The view I never tire of....

I am beginning the journey “home” but I feel like I am leaving “home”. Is it possible to be confused by the sense of home, the feeling of security, the comfort and ease and complete knowing of a place, how can it be that I have that same sense of familiarity for two places in the world? It is confusing and exciting, it is achingly sad and grin from ear to ear joyful, it is so many things in one I don’t even know where to begin. I leave India after 6 months. It has disappeared before my very eyes. I have been in McLeod Ganj for most of that time and I guess after so much time in one place you do start to get attached. Attached to my favourite coffee shop, to the boys at Cafe Budan who are like my family, to the gorgeous girls who we share are ups and downs, to the kora and the elderly Tibetans that walk that trusted path every day, the dogs at the coffee shop that are like our pets, the snow on the mountains that every day takes my breath away - familiarity, connections, comfort and ease. They are all the things that make this place feel like home. A small community that still makes me smile every time I leave my front door, I am never bored or tire of it, in fact it is the opposite. The longer I am here, the more I am a part of the community and the community is more a part of me. 

One heart is not enough

So it is confusing as I long for home in Australia, I long to see my beautiful family and cuddle my gorgeous little nephew, I can not wait to see the open plains of the Wimmera and catch a glimpse of the blue of the Grampians, to drive over Sydney harbour bridge, to go to a yoga class followed by yum dinner in Surrey Hills with the yoga girls, to catch up with the crew in Horsham and Melbourne and see how the kids have grown, to have a glass of red with my Dad and talk for hours with my Mum, to have a beer and laugh with Chandler and to go back to the blue box and see my IKEA “family” - so do not get me wrong, the feelings I have for this part of the world are only matched by the feelings I have for home. But it is weird and wonderful and also confusing. I am settling with leaving the confusion aside, there is no right or wrong or one or other, there is both. And how incredibly lucky and blessed am I to have two places that stir that feeling of connection, of unexplainable okness and safety, of comfort and of ease.  So I guess as the old saying goes, home really is where the heart is, but I have decided I just need two hearts :)