Stillness Speaks

I am not sure where that term comes from, but I am sure I have stolen it from somewhere, maybe even it is a title of a movie, but it is speaking to me as I come into the final day of a silence and fasting retreat. I guess you may wonder why I am writing this on a silence retreat, and truth be told, maybe I am cheating just a little, but it is not a Vispasana (10 day Buddhist meditation where you are in silence with no distractions, this includes reading, music, activity and even writing) so I figure that this is like a diary of sorts, so it kind of meets the criteria. We have spent the final 5 days of our meditation and metaphysics workshop in retreat. The purpose is to go within, reflect on ourselves and learn something. And like every time you hang out with yourself, you do find that things arise, you have some aha moments and hell, you even learn something about yourself. The rules of the game are simple, we can go anywhere we please, we have a daily reflection that we are asked to do in 4 different locations , we are fasting so 2 juices a day and a soup, and then basically the entire day is to be with ourselves. There is a morning yoga class and an evening meditation, so we are not completely left on our own, but 2 hours of the day with activity is not so much, there is ALOT of time in between. So I thought I would give you a day by day break down of my retreat, and share with you some of the interesting moments I have had.

Self portrait in the garden, my usual hang out

Day 1 - we started after our meditation that finished at 6.15pm, it is 30 min in and I am already wondering how I am going to do this, I am looking for things “to do”. Funny, I thought I was getting quite good at doing nothing, but now I am daunted by it, just being with me, with no distractions is a little scary.  7.45pm – am considering bed, is it too early?

Day 2 – Well really the first full day, the energy of the place has changed as everyone avoids eye contact, hard after spending 3 weeks hanging out and forming friendships to not even look at someone! Today we are reflecting on our ideals, what do we want in life. I have done a lot of this lately, so this part is fun! And a banana smoothie at 9.30am, this no food business will be fine. Later on....man, I am hungry, the broth with vegies is not going to cut it and the 4pm juice will not sustain me through til 9.30am, my fresh mint tea reminds me of potatoes, wishful thinking??? My mind feels quite peaceful though, it is not over active and my lesson for today is surrender.

My new best friends :)

Day 3 – Restless night with strange dreams, that has happened a bit here. My head feels clouded today, my mind is still not crazy chaotic, but already I can feel the affects of limiting food and a poor nights sleep. Today we are reflecting on our reality and where are in relation to our ideals. I question the idea of reality and what is it based on? Our perception based on our beliefs, values, conditioning, expectations? Ok, perhaps there is some deeper reflection required than I first thought.  The day is sunny and warm though so hanging out in the garden and watching clouds is also fun. My day has a routine (some habits die hard) yoga 7-8.15am, my own practice til 9am, shower, then juice 9.30am, garden time and maybe a snooze in the sun, soup (yay!! food) 1pm, visit the silence house and then the lake, my own practice again before time in the temple, juice again at 4pm and meditation by 5pm. Finish by 6.15pm, and pretty much bed by 8pm, 8.30pm is a stretch.

Day 4 – Feeling still a little clouded in my head today, but then too much sleep can do that. I have been waking through the night – twice to pee!! Must be all the water. Now I know what it feels like to get old. Am ready to get up about 4.30am but try and go back to sleep as the day is too long otherwise. I can notice the lack of energy in my body today, the walk up to the silence house was draining. My mind is still strangely peaceful. I am overwhelmed with work and business ideas though, so thankfully we can write. I am aware that this can be a distraction so am careful not to spend my entire day planning out my future. But a little time doesn’t hurt.  Today we are reflecting on our strengths, the things that support us in achieving our ideals. LOTS of writing today, nothing in particular, some random thoughts, and then some quite deep and meaningful dialogue with myself. This is where I can feel the stillness speaking to me. I am surprised at how the time and days do pass.

Day 5 – Hump day is over! Am counting the days, planning out my time, you really notice the hours, the minutes, the seconds.  Today we got up early and went to watch the sunrise – one of the girls cheated and passed a note around to arrange it – but it was worth it. With nothing much else to do but sit, we spent 2 hours watching the light of the sun remove the dark of night, the life that comes with that, the birds, the insects, it was truly magical. I am actually getting used to no food and realise how often I eat for habit rather than real need.  My mood and my mind today feel abundant with many things, joy, excitement, love, hope, it is fantastic!  Funny as today we were focusing on our obstacles, not what you would expect.

Sunrise over the lake

 Day 6 – Our final day, must admit I am excited by that fact that we finish tonight. We have a full moon ceremony at 6pm. Awesome. Today is no food, just water, and tea. I did sneak some honey into mine, as after feeling a bit wobbly in yoga this morning I thought my blood sugar levels deserved it. Already I am finished, I am in the closing and wrapping up mode (hence I feel ok to write this now) it is a loooong day though today, no food, it changed my routine! But still, my mind has been a great friend during the last few days. We have had lots of time to hang out, and I must say with less than 2 hours to go, it has not been so bad. Even not eating today has not been a stretch. I must admit, I am looking forward to my big bowl of fruit and granola tomorrow, chatting to the girls and seeing how they found it and getting online – to post this of course! So my lasting impressions are that it is not so bad, I have had some interesting insights, have managed to stay sane, and have even finished on a bit of a high (minus the grumbling belly). And stillness does truly speak, when you take away the distractions of “doing” and try “being”, it is amazing what you learn about yourself.

Las Piramides - everything is pyramids, even our rooms