Old habits die hard

Forming a new habit is not always so easy. It is funny as I love writing, I have loved updating my blog, but now that I have set myself a goal, I have made it a task, the fun seems to have seeped out of it. The writing has not changed, it is still the same as last week, but my mindset around it has. It becomes work, hard, so I resist it. New habits hey, they can be oh so simple, but yet oh so challenging. The reality is the resistant resides within my mind, the habitual thinking that is perhaps my problem....but like I said yesterday, I am no quitter.

We have all had to set tapasya’s for our week – a practice that we are going to add or subtract to our lives that will contribute to our well being. Mark is great in that he works on the edge, on making maximum change but whilst being gentle with yourself.  He is not into building people up to break them down (as some trainings do), but he is into long term sustainable results. Goals need to be realistic, achievable and something that we can maintain and not fall into a pile of exhausted mess when we are “done” as we feel we have accomplished something, but things that we add into our lives that hopefully stick around for a while.

I have found that my meditation practice has slipped. Ok, honest, it has disappeared. And I can see the pattern that is forming for me – I have done quite a few retreats in the last few months where we do regular meditation (up to 4 times per day) and throw in Vipassana and I am a little on meditation overload. Maybe it is not the meditation, again, it is my mindset to it....the resistant has kicked in as I think “I will do it tomorrow”.  I am like the dieter who comes off a diet and drives straight to Macca’s orders a large Big Mac meal with extra fries and a sundae as a reward. I have been the meditator that has sat in retreat, meditating (well trying to) ever so diligently, but get me out of retreat and my “few days of rest” from meditation have stretched into weeks.  Perhaps not so useful. So my goal this week is to sit and meditate every day for 20 minutes – after 10 hours a day, 20 minutes should prove a walk in the park. 

Day 2, and I am doing ok....the trick for me is to get up and just do it. No faffing around, I will do it laters, before our asana practice I will sit, and focus on my breath. And this morning, it was oh so lovely, I won’t say good or bad (as there is no good or bad remember) but I have to wonder why I have been putting it off. 

Rather than cut myself up with guilt and pressure about being a crap yogi, why have I not practiced, how can I teach others? How stupid am I, I am hopeless, useless blah blah blah  (the story I so often tell myself which in itself is also a habit) For once, I sat, said hello to my mind and my breath and could simply say “welcome back old friend”.  That is the being gentle to myself. It is the balance between change and kindness, pushing the boundaries and self love. Hallelujah – perhaps I have learned something after all these years.