I love you

“Love, love is a verb, love is a doing word”  (Massive Attack)

I heard a beautiful saying last year “Love is all that is left” (courtesy of Swami J). It resonated with me for so many reasons. It is simple yet complicated on varying levels and when you take everything way, strip things back to the bones, you are left with nothing other than pure love. I am not talking about the Hollywood version of romantic love that we are so conditioned to see and expect, I mean the purest form of love. The love that is in your heart, that can catch you by surprise when you take in a breath taking view, when you see a child tentatively take their first steps, the kind of love that we all have at our core, that is part of our very being. It is inherent, it is pure, and it is at the heart of every living being.  Or as it was explained to me in the Buddhist context which I kinda like -  “to love someone is to simply wish them happiness”.

Being a native English speaker I am often asked to explain or interpret anything from an article in the daily newspaper to a complicated English Grammar study guide (which I struggle with sometimes if I am honest). And recently I have found that love has been a topic of choice, from a throw away remark from a friend to helping another friend read a simple romance novel.  It got me thinking about the meaning of love, the definition of a single word and how do you then explain it to someone in a simple yet meaningful way. Easy. Or is it? And then does it mean the same thing in all languages?  In English it is clear, to say you love a friend,  a family member or a partner are all varying degrees on the simple, or not so simple, 4 letter word.  How do you explain the difference? And should we differentiate? And this is for your nearest and dearest, what about those you don’t know, or worse, those you do but they don’t make the Christmas card list, the ones that push your buttons and maybe you even use the “H” word for them (hate). Our enemies, is it possible to feel love for them? Surely not you would think. But then, it comes back to how you define love and how you allow yourself to feel it. We are often conditioned to categorise people into like and dislike, from the moment we meet someone we are subconsciously, and sometimes even consciously looking them up and down and figuring out what we resonate with or perhaps what repels us.  From hair colour to shoes to physical features to tone of voice, our senses start before we even realise it picking up on signs from people that help us to pigeon hole people into the friend or foe box. 

Something that is human and we all do it. It is also useful in helping us detect danger or build trust, but then the old saying “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover” rings in my ears and I am reminded that I hope people don’t look at me on the days I have not washed my hair or donned my best attire (which at the moment is limited I must tell you) and decide on that alone whether I am nice person or not. But I am side tracking, and back to the main topic, love.  So often we love those close to us, and are ambivalent about those that are not. And we place conditions on our loved ones “If you do this, then you will make me happy, therefore I will love you.” We are conditioned to love but with strong attachment to our loved ones that we often place unrealistic expectations on them “you will bring me happiness” is perhaps the best and most dangerous. No one can give us long term happiness except the person that greets you in the mirror each morning, bed hair and all. 

So love, how do you explain it. I am still lost. I was asked when I would tell someone I loved them, and I of course replied to anyone who I love, based on that definition that is my friends, my family and when it has been the time my partner, ( I can practice sending love to those I can’t say I like a whole lot but that is a work in progress) but to those close to me, I love them so why not tell them.  Simple right.  “So when a girl says to a boy I love you, then it is just as a friend......” Hmmmmm, not sure how to answer that one. This is where my simplistic definition stolen from Buddhism maybe didn’t cut it. Love all of sudden became complicated. Then when you get the innocent question “how do you make love?” well that complicates things even more :) But for now, I am going to stick with the simple version, “to wish someone happiness” and based on that, I love everyone, even those who are not on my Christmas card list, I still wish you happiness.