Abhaya - Fearlessness

I bought a necklace nearly 2 years ago that has a word written in Sanskrit on it – abhaya – loosely translated as fearlessness. It was for me a reminder of living a life without fear. Something that I needed to be reminded of, daily, hence the necklace that has become a permanent fixture around my neck. I wanted to live a life full of courage and confidence, to be able to say yes instead of no and to be able to take risks. A friend asked me once what it meant, and she looked at me dumbfounded when I told her “What have you got to be afraid of??” We stood there for a few minutes, both of us in awe of each other, she simply not understanding what there could be to be afraid of and me perplexed that someone did not have fears. I replied slowly and carefully, “Where do you want me to begin? I am afraid I will have dreams that I will never achieve, of trying to achieve those dreams and failing, of being alone, of waking up one day and thinking ‘is this it?’ (which about 6 months later I did) – the list is endless....I am filled with fears, aren’t we all?” Clearly she did not share my insights into fear as she raised one eye brow and changed the subject to the weather.

 I thought long and hard about that moment, was I the only one who felt fear in this way? Maybe it was the wording I had chosen, maybe it was more like worry or concern. But still, they were fears. Deep seeded fears entrenched in my being that at times became crippling. What if I die and I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do? That was a fear, it was a worry and it was a concern, call it what you will, but it played on my mind. And perhaps it is partly what prompted the decision to quit my job, sell my stuff and see me set off around the world in what is proving to be a lifestyle as opposed to an extended holiday.  I like everyone else am trapped in the hope fear cycle, hoping that things will be better/different/easier and fearing that they won’t. Stuck between the past and the future and skipping over the most precious moments in time the present. 

 Spending my life the way that I do, you may think I have released these fear and live a carefree life having a wonderful time drinking coffee, attending teachings and courses and reading. For the most part I do, but I am also still caught in the vicious cycle of hope and fear – still caught in the way things “should” be and how I am “supposed” to be living my life. But today as I walked down the streets of crowded Bangkok I had a moment – I realised right here, right now, I am not afraid. I feel hopeful and excited, I feel empowered by the choices I have, I feel blessed and lucky to be born and raised in a country where I can earn enough to actually save money. I have no idea what my future holds, I have no house, no car, no things, I have no job and am slowly working on my own business that at times scares the living shit out of me (what if it fails/no one is interested/I lose money blah blah blah) but today, that is not there. Instead I feel grateful and excited like a child at Christmas, I feel more uncertain of what lies ahead than I ever have before but for once, in this tiniest of moments, it is with abhaya – fearlessness.