Vipassana - a marathon for the mind

"Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art of Living."

I recently attended a teaching by Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo (a western nun who spent 12 years meditating in a cave) and she talked about how in order to train the mind, we first must tame it. It makes sense, you need to tame a horse before you begin to train, and I figured after 12 years in retreat, this small unassuming lady with bright sparkly blue eyes knew her stuff. Perhaps that was the unconscious motivation for me to embark on vipassana – a 10 day, 10 hour a day meditation retreat – but I can’t claim that it was a conscious motivation, it is more like a test of sorts. A bit like mad people who decide to run a marathon, I was signing up for a marathon with my mind. And it was about day 4 that I had a serious case of the “what the f**k am I doing heres” just like first time marathon runners (or so I am told). The realisation of what you have signed up for, the realisation that you are not even half way, and the realisation that you are not sure you are cut out for this and it is in that moment that you don’t know whether to laugh or cry but have no alternative but to carry on. 

 

It is hard to find the right words to describe the experience – I must admit that it has all begun to blur into a haze of slightly uncomfortable but slightly warm and fuzzy memories. Being alone with your mind for such long periods is an interesting process as I found I would swing from dull and sleep like comas to mind racing moments where I was filled with creativity and inspiration. All well and good, but unfortunately not really the point. The point, is to create focus and attention, and to work on noticing the sensations in the body. And that is it. There is no bells and whistles to this meditation, no focus on your third eye and see the white light type of scenario’s, no feel the arising of energy through the chakra’s and watch as kundalini awakens type of stuff – no, this is the technique taught by the Buddha that has been preserved and passed on predominantly from Burma. The system is taught by S NGoenka, and he is quite specific in his teachings in making them non-denominational and non-sectarian. The days are long and arduous (4am wake up gongs and the last session finishing at 9pm) and with centres all around the world, are aimed at teaching the technique to people of all religions. I was in a centre in Thailand and participated in a course with 70+ people who were predominantly local Thais (Theravada Buddhism is alive and well in Thailand). Dhamma Kancana is part of the global network of centres that are purpose built and rely solely on donations –the course is free for new students (all meals, room etc so a pretty good deal really).

But back to the mediation and my experience – I have been told by people it was the hardest thing they have ever done. I am not sure I can put it in that category, but I am not sure what box it does fit in. Day 1 – 3 were almost the false sense of security as we started by focusing on our breath – sounds easy I guess, but by mid afternoon of day 3, it was excruciating. Try it for a minute, breath, inhale, exhale, and watch – see how long you last before getting distracted? Can you get to a minute? Imagine 600 minutes of that, and that is just one day.  Fighting moment by moment to stay awake, to maintain focus, to not let the mind wander, to not get distracted by the pain forming in my right hip, the sweat dripping down my back (what was I thinking trying to meditate in Thailand and this heat?!) and the front row of students that never seem to move..... 

Day 4- 5 I will call my “WTF” days as each minute seemed like an hour, each second was filled with pain and the realisation that I was not even half way yet. The physical pain set in and as we started our “power hours” as I called them – an hour where we were unable to move position – I really did wonder if the pain shooting through my hips that felt like someone prodding hot knives into my butt was anything remotely like child birth.  The mind is interesting as I tried to tell myself that this was all a pointless activity, I was not gaining anything out of the process and really, it was all very boring. Nice one mind, you will try anything to get out of this, thankfully I am also pretty stubborn and not a quitter, so shut up with your negative thoughts and get on with it. 

Day 6 I finally found some relief, the body was easing into it and I by now had a nest of cushions to support every limb – hell I even had a wrist cushion in an attempt to comfort my arms. Maybe the weather changed or my aversion became less so the heat seemed not as intense, I actually on Day 6 had a fleeting thought of “wow, this is life changing, I have found bliss”. Cue record scratching sound - and by Day 7 I was smacked back into reality as my mind then went from dull and dusty to overdrive creative flow. I was going to become a motivational speaker and had word for word what I would say in my presentations, I was going to upskill the Tibetan community in work place skills and find them all gainful employment, I was going to support my teacher revolutionise the yoga world with his “Bringing Yoga to Life”  - the list went on....and how had those people in the front row still not moved?

So Day 7- 10 I moved into crazy monkey mind mode, the practice then became to not engage, not get caught up, and to not get carried away, all the while we had moved onto the actual vipasana technique of scanning the body for sensations.  Damn hard when you think you are coming up with all of the most amazing life changing and revolutionary business ideas, but also interesting to try and put it all to one side and focus on the task. By now I had two old ladies in my head – one nattering away about what we had to do next week, who did we need to buy presents for – and the other getting quite impatient saying “will you pipe down, can’t you see we are trying to mediate here??!”

It ended on Day 10 with us finally being able to talk (on retreat it is to go within so no communication, talking, reading or writing) – a small group of westerners excitedly began to share our experiences and they were all different. I didn’t have any major “stuff” I felt I had shifted nor did I think I was Jesus (sorry Laura, that is just too funny not to share) but I think somewhere amidst it I had some realisations, I took my practice to a different level, and like any feat that you set out to achieve, the feeling of accomplishment that comes with that. Will I rush back and do another one? Maybe not, but then never say never and crazier things have happened. A friend once asked his meditation teacher “did you have a good meditation” – the response from the teacher was “there is no good meditation, there is no bad meditation, there just is meditation” so based on that, my vipassana was just that, meditation.