Rocking Chair Moments

Some days it all gets a bit too much – I wonder what am I doing? I mean seriously, I am 36, I am sitting in my room in India on cold afternoon feeling like I have no real purpose or direction in life.  No point in being here. It is days like this when I feel overwhelmed with life and when I have no stability, instead of the unbelievable freedom that normally surrounds me I feel crippled by the options. The choices. Sounds pathetic I realise, or perhaps even selfish. I have so many options! But then again I feel limited as my reality is I don’t have a “home” I don’t have a “job” I don’t have what you would call a conventional life per se. I have a nomadic life. A back pack full of things and some cash in the bank that allows me the opportunity to go where I want when I want. Bliss you would say, but today, it feels like hell. Uncertainty fills me and I hear a voice echo in my ears “what will you do when you get home” and I am not sure if it is the word “do”, the word “when” or the word “home” that triggers the fear – perhaps it is all 3. Reality is I am currently “doing” what  I want to be doing. The when, well, I am not sure what that even means anymore as I moved from traveling to living – when you are traveling there is a defined end date, but when you are living, well you are doing just that aren’t you. There is no finish. 

Sometimes things can be overwhelming, bigger than they truly are

I am not sure when that happened, the shift from traveling to living, but there was a point this year when I realised that I was no longer just traveling but rather I was living overseas. I am not even sure how to explain the difference. But it is different and my perspective has shifted with it.  The typical tourist trails do not interest me, the long days of sight seeing you can have. I like being somewhere. That is it. Just being here. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I am perfectly happy. I find things to fill in my day, I establish a little routine, find my favourite coffee shop and place to eat. I wake when I want and go to bed when I want. But I am never bored. I have not read as many books as I thought, nor have I maintained a regular practice of yoga and meditation which you would think given my lifestyle would be easy. I hang out with people that have a similar life style and it all seems perfectly normal.  And if I had a dollar for every person who has told me this year “I wish I had the courage to do what you are doing” I would not even need to worry about the dreaded bank balance.

Om mani padme hum.....beautiful therapy

May sound weird to those of you in the daily grind, filling in the day being busy, and maybe I am crazy. But being content with my own company, of allowing myself 2 hours to drink a coffee and read the paper, having a routine, or not, are all some of the simple pleasures that my life allows. So some days it is overwhelming , maybe like today. Uncertainty, expectations, pre-conceived ideas all fill my mind. But when I stop, reflect and even write about it like I am doing now, I think, would I be doing anything differently? And the answer is obvious, no, never, not in a million years. I love this, even with the uncertainty of my future, my lack of “career” and no ”home”.  I have freedom, I am following my dreams and doing what I want, I am being me. I read a list of the top 5 things people who are dying say they regret.

1.  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2.  I wish I had not worked so hard
3.  I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
4.  I wish I had stayed in contact with my friends
5.  I wish I had let myself be happier.

Well, it was perhaps a good reality check for me as I dwelled on the “oh woe me” day, I am not far from living my life like this list.  But some days, even when you have the life of Riley, you can still have days like this where things all get a bit too much. That list though was my saving grace, so no regrets. And as my dear friend Di would say it is a rocking chair moment - "would you be in rocking chair wondering what it I had only?" So no rocking chair moments for me.