The big questions

I have set myself the task this week of making the most of the sangha – and limiting my time on my computer, once I get online, it is like a time vortex transports me to another world and before I know it 2 hours have gone, and we are due back in class, or the evening has passed. So this week, no more than one hour a day (internet connection dependant).  I am still committed to blogging daily as I am really enjoying the process and the outlet that writing provides me, but forgive me in advance if the posts are a bit shorter, or not as exciting as I aim to punch them out a bit more efficiently.  So limited skype (I am a sucker for a quick chat to friends online around the globe) and prioritising my google searches and email responses. Sounds simple, bet let’s see how that pans out shall we.

So the clock is ticking, and I am already 10 minutes in....wow, this is what happens. But I am a stickler for the rules so will make it work. Today we started on the mind. The fun and games part of training as we are using our minds to try and understand the contents of it. Sounds confusing? It is. It is sometimes beyond the mind. And it feels oh so complicated but in fact it is the simplicity that makes it sweet. We are not our thoughts, we are not our habit patterns, we are not our emotions.  But get this, we think we are. We identify with these things and think it is who we are. It is what makes our day seem bright and shiny or shitty and crap, it is our attachment to our ideas that we get so caught up in that makes our own life so dull and boring or complicated and dramatic. It is all really only our perception of the truth, our distorted minds create the story that plays out. 

So that is the simplicity. But in that, we have a wonderful thing called avidya – ignorance of our essential nature – and we grip and grasp on for dear life with the hold of avidya. Avidya is what holds us by the throat, preventing us from realising our potential as we hang onto the belief that “I” am all of the things that “I” am not. I am not an angry person, but I have anger sometimes, I am not good person, but I can do good things sometimes, I am not sad, I simply have a feeling at the moment that plays out as sadness....can you start to see the pattern that is emerging? Starting to disentangle yourself from the habitual thinking patterns is an interesting but challenging experience.  But the more I work with it, the more I can see the truth behind it all – sadness comes and goes, anger is never a permanent 100% of the time fixture – these things are all impermanent. If they were me, they would never leave, I would be trapped in the sadness cycle for eternity, but I am not (thank God) so how can they BE me. 

In one sense it is empowering and I feel excited when I am reminded I am not all of these things, but then it raises a more important question, if I am not all of these things, then what, or who am I? I told you this was fun......but for now, as the clock is ticking I and want to get this posted, I am going to leave you with that thought :) (And I will post later in the week about what I have learned about what is left after you take away all of the things you are not)